3, 2, 1...

I was always a skinny minny. I never worried about what I ate and I hated exercise. I can remember, at the age of 19, sitting in the car and putting a hand on my thigh. I spread my fingers as wide as they would go and my thigh was still slimmer than the span of one hand. I thought 'If my thigh ever gets bigger than my hand, then I'll worry. But that will never happen.' I sit here now at 41 years old and there's a good two inches of squishy thigh that splurge out on each side of my hand. What the hell happened? Well, I got older. I had two children. My metabolism slowed down and my eating sped up. I married a big man who liked to eat and I matched him in portion sizes. I moved to a country that loves real butter and cream and doesn't judge people based on appearances. I took antidepressants for almost six years and when I gained a few pounds I just bought bigger pants. When I got married I was 21 years old and weighed 120lbs. Twenty years later I weigh 185lbs. Shit.

I've been philosophical about it over the years. There are good things about being bigger. My boobs went from B to a DD. I like being a cuddly mama for my kids. I know that when I hug them they're wrapped in loving softness. I have eaten whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it without guilt. Chocolates in bed with a good book. Cookie dough with the kids. Cakes. Florentines. Wine. French fries. When I look in the mirror I enjoy the womanliness of my shape, though I always wish my tummy was more in proportion. Gaining this 65lbs has been a hell of a lot of fun. But the party's over. As I was gaining I kept telling myself that there was nothing wrong with carrying a little extra weight as long as I was healthy. Well, my BMI has hit 30 and I am now considered medically obese (god, that makes me feel ill). My weight now puts me at risk for various diseases (including pancreatic cancer which took my father last year). It is time for a change.

If I was a really sensible, methodical person I would start to eat less and move more. Well, I do pilates regularly and have a busy life. I walked a marathon earlier this year (didn't lose a single pound) and, apart from too many sweets, eat a fairly healthy diet. I've done Weight Watchers, Atkins, Dukan, food delivery diets and tried just cutting back but I've decided that what I really need is a diet that slaps me in the face, gets fast results and shakes everything up. If I had the time I would go away to one of those retreats where you do nothing but yoga, fluids and regular colonics then come home ten days later a stone lighter. I don't have time to go away so I'm doing the next best thing - LighterLife. It's one of those intensive diets where you eat only what they provide. It's very low calorie and low carb. Your body goes into ketosis and starts digesting its own fat. This is hard core. My first meeting is tomorrow.